I Thought Everyone Loved Earl

On September 22, 2023 By Michael FlemingIn Interpersonal Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Me (out loud): This one time Earl stabbed a killer bee with a corn dog stick to save Joy. And another time, Joy stole a cube van and didn’t realize someone was in the back, and Randy tried to conceal the truck by painting his name on it in big graffiti letters. But the funniest was when Randy was laughing at a bird that hit a window. Then he got scared by another bird and ran into the same window.

My wife (really out loud): JUST SO YOU KNOW – NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY NAME IS EARL ALL THE TIME.

Me (silently): Just so you know – I guess not everyone has a sense of humour.

My Daughter Draws Attention To My Hypocrisy

On December 5, 2019 By Michael FlemingIn ParentingLeave a comment

This morning before getting ready for work, I quickly fill out a permission form for my seven-year-old daughter to attend a school field trip.

“I filled this out for you. Please put it in your knapsack to go to school.”

She looks at the paper and points to a g. “Dad, what letter is this right here? Is that an s?”

“No, it’s a g. It’s just messy. I wrote it quickly.”

“Dad…you’re always telling me to take my time and be neat when I write and then your writing is all messy.”

Touché.

Mustard Pranks

On August 27, 2019August 27, 2019 By Michael FlemingIn Interpersonal Relationships, Parenting1 Comment

Mustard – I don’t like the taste of it, the smell of it, the look of it, the texture of it, the colour of it. It grosses me out to the max. As a matter of fact, my aversion to the condiment began inside the womb, for my mother’s cells loathe mustard as well.

My children, who are at the sweet young ages of five and seven, decide to play a prank on their old man.

They take a bottle of mustard and disguise it using their red crayons.

mustard bottle — Mustard bottle disguised as ketchup.
Photo by B. Fleming

“Hey Dad, we got this new kind of ketchup to try. It’s really good. I think you’ll like it.”

“Um…okay. I’ll try it on my burger.” I cringe at the site of the yellow stream on my hamburger.

“Ah, kids, it kinda looks like mustard to me.”

“Dad, it’s actually ketchup. It’s made from yellow tomatoes. Try it. It’s really good.”

I take a small bite. My senses cry foul at the pungent yellow nastiness. I spit out the mustarded burger in disgust, and my kids laugh and laugh.

Days later, I come home from work.

“Hey Dad, we got you a present today.”

They hand me a mustard shirt. And they laugh and laugh.

What Not To Do On Your Wedding Anniversary

On July 24, 2019 By Michael FlemingIn Interpersonal Relationships, Learning and Growth1 Comment

Marriage can be hard work.

After years of it, I’m still learning.

I learned a long time ago that for my wife, lavish gifts on special occasions are not as important as sentimental cards.

So this year for our wedding anniversary, I made sure to get a card. But the store I went to didn’t have the greatest selection. I did, however, find a good anniversary card that said, “To my husband…” I purchased the card and with a little creativity, I was able to make it work. In places where the word “husband” appeared, I taped small pieces of paper and wrote “wife.” Below is a picture of my masterpiece.

Unfortunately, my wife wasn’t impressed.

Another lesson learned.

Anniversary Card — Anniversary card to my wife.
Photo by B. Fleming

My Daughter’s Bathroom Humour

On November 28, 2018November 28, 2018 By Michael FlemingIn ParentingLeave a comment

My six-year-old daughter is learning how to write. This is what she writes:

A picture of my daughter's writing. — My daughter’s writing.
Photo by M. Fleming

She thinks it’s so funny.

After she shows me, she takes a blank page to write it again.

I say, “You know, sometimes the things we write come true.”

She looks up, her eyes wide with fear.

I say, “Be careful at school today. You might poop your pants.”

The Evening My Wife Burnt My Heart

On October 9, 2018October 9, 2018 By Michael FlemingIn Interpersonal Relationships1 Comment

There was nothing out of the ordinary that night.

Mind you, there was a new dish on the table that night, but that was the new normal. My wife had been experimenting with meals since she had been on a new health kick.

The night’s dish was vegetarian tikka masala.

The tikka masala was a lot spicier than the food I’m used to, but I was hungry that night. It didn’t taste too bad. In fact, I went back for seconds.

It was about 30 minutes later when the pain started. My chest was on fire. I gulped down a few antacid tablets, but the fire continued to burn. It burned long and it burned bright. Death was a possibility that night.

“Was there garlic in that?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Onions?”

“Yes.”

“Tomato sauce?” I ask.

“No. Diced tomatoes,” she says.

“That’s worse,” I say. “Spices? What kind?”

“It’s called garam masala.”

I look up garam masala: acidic and may cause acid reflux.

That evening, my wife— the heart arsonist—mixed in all the ingredients that contribute to my acid reflux and ignited it with a new, near-lethal weapon—garam masala.

“Honestly, I didn’t think you’d actually eat it,” she says.

“I guess I’ll know for next time, honey.”

On Being a Hero

On June 11, 2018July 11, 2018 By Michael FlemingIn Interpersonal Relationships, Learning and Growth1 Comment

If you’re lucky, there will be opportunities in your life to be a hero.

I was lucky enough to be given such an opportunity recently.

I wanted to taste the feeling. That is why I was purchasing a Coke© from a vending machine. Beside me, another individual was purchasing a bag of Doritos© from an adjacent vending machine.

doritos — A vending machine with Doritos at the top. Photo by M. Fleming.

My Coke© dispensed easily from the machine. I was excited to open happiness and make it real. My enthusiasm, however, was short-lived, for beside me, tragedy struck. The man’s Doritos© had not dispensed from the machine. The bag had fallen from its initial position and was stuck on a ledge.

The man’s face darkened. Oh, the disappointment and anguish. I felt his agony.

I saw my heroic opportunity and pounced. I tapped the glass. I tapped harder. The man’s face brightened a little. I saw a small sense of hope in his eyes. But the cheesy tortilla chips were still stuck. I tapped the glass harder. I stuck my hand in the bottom of the machine. It read, “push,” so I pushed. I pushed harder and harder. Finally, the Doritos© dislodged.

The man’s face lit up. The audience cheered. And the hero smiled.

Michael Fleming, MEd, MMT, OCT

Tag: humour